http://www.forrestrace.com/tumbled-stained/
Opinions on my poem called Mountain Pass?
I wrote this a while ago and now I sort of want some opinions on it, suggestions on how to better it. I was going through a tough time so… here it is!
Mountain Pass
No, I will not lie down
After falling down the Mountain
Tumbling
Tumbling
Tumbling
Staining the perfect and sparkling snow that I hate
Blooding it, just for more to fall
Flow right out of my abused body
Just for the ice cold and yet burning crystals to
Bury any reminisce of my pain
Hitting seemingly every Rock
Every jabbing, stabbing, wounding
Cruel, unforgiving, violent
Rock
Shock waves pulsating through my soul
So sick, so humiliated
Snowballing and hitting the bottom
With wounds in my body
Gravel down my throat
Ice inside my eyes
Right back to where I humbly began
Left staring up at the bleak gray sky
Wind knocked out of my shaken body
But stay down I will not
L7: I think it should say “bloodying” instead of blooding
Otherwise, this rather spellbinding piece is most descriptive of the human condition. The metaphor is perfect. We all fall down that damn mountain, what we do with a fall like that determines our character and what kind of survivor, conquering spirits we have.
A great write!!
Vertical Concrete Walls with Urbancraftsman’s Acid Stained Tumbled Tops